Wildfire
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
- Jesus
Ian Morgan Cron, a popular author, says that the single highest indicator of a leader's success is their level of self-awareness. Not giftedness, not experience, not intelligence, but instead knowing oneself and how you affect the world around you.
One aspect of self-awareness is realizing that we all have learned patterns (typically from our families growing up) about dealing with stress.
Knowing your enneagram number is a helpful way to become more aware of your patterned responses to stress. Still, Brene Brown talks about more general categories that she learned from an author named Harriet Lerner that is a helpful place to start: over-functioning and under-functioning.
Over-functioner: Moves quickly to advise, rescue, takeover, micromanage; they get into other people's business rather than looking at what's going on inside of them. From the outside looking in, they appear to be very tough and in control.
Under-functioner: Get less competent under stress and invite others to take over; choose passivity and ways to escape. In addition to whatever is causing the stress and anxiety, they become the focus of more stress and anxiety. From the outside, they can appear to be irresponsible or even fragile and "can't stand the pressure."
These aren't intended to be identity indictments but rather helpful indicators that you need to slow down and ask some questions instead of putting on the learned, protective armor of an abundance of action or passivity. By all accounts, we live in anxiety-ridden times, and especially as leaders in our families and workplaces, it's helpful to know your tendencies so you can move toward a healthier response when things aren't going your way or some level of panic sets in.
The other thing about anxiety/stress is that it's contagious. If you are charged up about something and responding reactively, you are probably spreading the panic in your family and organization like wildfire.
Thankfully, anxiety isn't the only contagious thing - so is peace. But exuding peace has to be anchored in something bigger than our external circumstances, and you have to experience it to offer it. Thankfully, no matter your personality, enneagram number, or family history, anyone can learn how to cultivate a more peace-driven response to life and people. To create some space (and thoughtfulness) before giving an emotional response to a situation, Brene asks herself two questions:
Do I have enough data to freak out?
If I have enough data, would it be helpful to freak out?
She found that the answer is no 90% of the time to question #1, and even when it was yes -- the second one was almost always a resounding no, so that put the whole thing to bed.
Next time you learn something shocking about your teenager, your employee comes to you in an emotional fit, or a breaking news story (or family crisis) lands on your brain like a plane crash, first - be aware of your tendency as an over-functioner or under-functioner. Second, try asking yourself these two questions before you react. Your reaction will be contagious either way, and we could all use a lot more peace and calm in our lives right now.
Consider
Do you typically over-function or under-function under stress?
How do you cultivate peace in your life? What anchors you to that?
Do you usually "freak out" when faced with a difficult circumstance or crisis? What might help you stay calm?